FUN, FUN, FUN

Potato Masher Parables Presentation May 11, 2010
Chapel Hill Presbyterian Church – Care & Share ‘Tea’
Gig Harbor, WA

What a fun day! Some presentations are more fun than others – I don’t know why – but today was a very good day. I hope it was just as good for the ladies who attended – but I truly believe it was…. One lady came up to me afterward and told me it was the best program she had ever seen. I didn’t take it to heart with any sort of personal pride – but with joy that she felt that way, as it meant she got something out of it to think about. She said it needed to be in a book…. She was not the first person to suggest that. I told her I thought I’d begin by sharing some of them in my blog. This is as good as any time to start….

May 11 is a special day for me. May 11, 1985. It was Mother’s Day that year. It was the day our nephew came to live with us. He was 15 and at the end of his Freshman year in High School. The circumstances of his living arrangements had become very challenging. He threw his belongings out an upstairs window – said he was ‘going out’ to visit a friend, retrieved his belongings, and called Al’s Mom from the friend’s house. He needed a safe home. She called us and asked if we could take him. We convened a quick family meeting, explained that there would be challenges – but we felt we needed to help – all of us. The girls agreed.

Our nephew’s Dad (Al’s younger brother) was murdered the night our middle daughter was born – technically the morning after – but it was within hours of her birth. She was born April 26, 1974. He died in the wee hours of April 27, 1974. And 11 years later we became ‘parents’ to his son.

One of my Potato Masher Parables recounts the time almost three years later after he turned 18 and decided he was a man and didn’t have to follow our rules any longer. The potato masher that is the segue for that story is a double masher that is easy to equate to a frog....

I was very involved in the Grays Harbor County Child Abuse Prevention Council at the time, and one particular day got to a board meeting early – which was being held at the psychologist’s office who served on the board. I was early so Keith and I had some time to chat before the other board members arrived, and during our conversation he asked me how things were going – and I told him my recently-turned-eighteen-year-old nephew was driving me crazy – and proceeded to share the circumstances that were giving me gray hair.

Keith said, “Do you see that terrarium over there – and the frog in it?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Well,” he continued, “that frog is a meat-eating frog. I have to feed it a mouse every Friday. But – when the frog is hungry if I were to put my hand into the terrarium it would take off a finger or thumb just like that!” And he snapped his fingers to demonstrate how quickly. “If it did, I couldn’t get mad at a frog for being a frog,” he concluded.

I got the message. My nephew was acting his age. He was 18, and he was trying out ‘being independent’. He was a good kid who would outgrow these behaviors and become a good citizen given time. It was a waste of my time, energy and emotions to let his behaviors dictate my emotional response. I couldn’t get mad at a frog for being a frog.

It is a life lesson that has served me well. I can’t expect anyone to be or do or give or respond in a way I would like them to. People are who they are. While I may choose a safe distance to avert being in the direct line of fire, I cannot get mad at a frog for being a frog. It is another lesson of not being responsible for feelings, but being responsible for actions. It was a good lesson to learn – and it has served me well.

And – the nephew. He grew up to be a kind, loving, caring, very involved Dad who has 3 boys…. We were the kind of parents he needed – and now he is the kind of Dad we are incredibly proud of….

I became his ‘other-mother’ on Mother’s Day, 1985. Those years hold a myriad of memories.

The 25 ladies I spoke to today are all widows. For some, the loss is new and fresh – for others, there is a resolute determination to move forward. Never forgetting – but living life beyond the most severe stretch of the pain that followed losing their mate.

They were an amazing group. I don’t like the thought of the entry requirement – but I love how they love, care for and support each other – and that they are intentional about living. Kudos to every one of them! Being there and sharing that time with them was a joy!